Safewords! The key to consensual BDSM practice

Safewords are a key concept in the BDSM scene that allow us to play in a safe consensual manner with others.

Safewords give both the Top and bottom in a scene the power to withdraw consent at any time. 

If you are unfamiliar with this concept you may be wondering

Why do you need a special word? Just say no?

The answer to this can be a little bit difficult to wrap your head around at first but

Sometimes it’s fun to say no 

and then have the scene continue anyway, 

to cry out and struggle and beg for them to stop and they just keep going

It adds to the perceived loss of power and control – and safewords give us a safety net

So we can struggle and whine and beg and cry as much as we want in a play sense and still be able to say stop when we need to.

Verbal Safeword systems

Most often safeword are verbal and can be any word or phrase agreed upon during negotiations and before the scene starts.

Hsometimes – like during a pet play scene – you cant speak or you have speech restrictions in place

Here are two systems people use to safeword verbally during scenes

The hard “STOP!”

This is the classic use of a safeword, both parties agree on a code word that means Stop. When that word is said the scene is over.

Vocativs Top 10 safewords used in the US have some cute ideas!

1.) Red

2.) Stop

3.) Pineapple

4.) Banana

5.) Pineapples

6.) Apple

7.) Yellow

8.) Orange

9.) Safe Word

10.) Mercy

11.) Oklahoma

12.) Safe

13.) No

14.) Purple

15.) Bananas

Mercy is my favourite! SO cute! So thematic! Definitely going on the list

The traffic light system

The traffic light system is really popular in my local community and has a little more detail that just a hard stop 

Red = Safeword/stop/no etc

Orange = Slow down/I need you to check in on me/something isn’t quite right but i don’t want to stop completely!

Green = I am good to keep going!!!

How to use safewords when non verbal/minimally verbal

Sometimes in scenes you can’t speak; maybe you go non-verbal when you hit subspace, maybe you enjoy speech restriction, or gags, or hoods. Maybe your play partner is deaf or struggles with auditory processing or maybe the play party you are at is really REALLY loud. 

Sometimes words don’t work but we still need the safety net of “safewords”

Thats where these safewording methods come in

Tapping out 

Tapping out is a method commonly used in martial arts training. 

The concept is when you tap twice your sparring partner will let you go and back off immediately. 

Most often you will tap the arm/leg/shoulder of your partner. And if you can’t reach them Double tap the mat. The key is to tap firmly and purposefully.

In the BDSM world sometimes your hands are tied – literally. In these times you can stomp your foot twice, or knock on whatever you may be attached to

I personally love this method in scenes because it is so clear and so versatile.

Position training

Like choosing a code word you can also choose a position that means stop

Take a look at my kitten play positions and puppy play positions blog posts for some options to chose from!

Or

You can choose few positions and use them as your traffic light system we discussed earlier.

During an S&M scene my traffic light system looks look like this

Green = feet/knees shoulders width apart, hands flat

Orange = one foot off the ground (I tend to do a little wiggle dance when processing pain)

Red = I move fully away from the area i am being hit – 

Top Tip 

Practice using your safe words with your playmates in mundane situations – this helps to create a habit and takes away some anxiety over the act of safe wording. 

For example – A couple I know have an adapted traffic light system they can use in both play and social situations to ensure they are both happy and comfortable. It is adorable

-Mochi-